Thanksgiving Eve- A True Story

Twas' the day before Thanksgiving and all through the house, Mommy was rushing around like a crack-head mouse. There was lots to get done, and not much time to do it. Let's see if crazy mommy will manage to get through it.......

7:22: Wake up with a sense of anxiety over the long list of tasks that await me.

8:00: Feed kids, turn on tv babysitter- an hour of Madagascar (or Madagadagascar as Hays calls it) should buy me time to drag out and wash roasting pan and crystal bowls for turkey and cranberry sauce.

9:00: Manage a shower that's only interrupted by the twins once. Will needs to pee, Hays just "wants to watch mommy's shower." Ummm, no thanks.

9:45: I'm dressed and so are the kids. Aunt Bea arrives to help me take them to get haircuts. While buckling Hays into car, I notice that he has a brown speck on his neck- it turns out to be a flea. Great, add flea eradication to to-do list.

10:00: Haircuts ensue. It's only mildly horrible and we emerge 30 minutes later with good-looking haircuts. (Even mommy!!)

10:30: We brave the loony bin that is Publix. I wouldn't have attempted it if we weren't out of milk, and if I hadn't used up a block of cream cheese that I needed to make cheesecake in yesterday's wine/cream cheese/pepper jelly frenzy with my friend. It was a zoo, and I almost had to beat up a senior citizen that started crap with me in line about crowding her.

11:00: Get home and begin flea warfare. Spray everything upholstered with flea killer, then bathe the dog. While picking up fat, reluctant dog to drag her to the tub, hear an ominous crunch in my back. Think, "Hmmmm, this might be bad later."

11:30: Gather wet towels and clothes, add "load of laundry" and "clean sopping wet bathroom" to my to-do list. Realize that in my hurry to ward off an impending flea infestation, I have forgotten to put away milk, cream cheese, and creamer. Sigh...

11:45: Start pomegranate cranberry sauce. I'm feeling fancy because I'm using my Ipad in its snazzy case with a stand to display the recipe. Unfortunately, it also attracts Will's attention and he starts on on a 10-minute whine fest of "I want mommy's Ipad!" I start off nicely explaining that mommy is using her Ipad, wind up yelling, "No!! You can't have it right now no matter how much you whine! Now GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN!!!!"

12:00: Finally unload dishwasher, toss soggy, wet-dog towels into the washer, feed kids, read them a story, put them down for a nap (with little to no hope that they'll actually sleep.) Take advil for my back that's already starting to twinge and throb.

1:00: Get Mason set up with paints and paper plates so he can make handprint turkeys to complete my set of handprint turkey napkin rings for tomorrow. Say a quick prayer of thanks for the convenience of Lean Cuisine as I toss one in the microwave.

1:20: Tell Will to stop singing and go to sleep

1:25: Go in again to get on to Will- this time threatening great bodily harm. Not expecting it to work, but maybe fear will buy me time.

1:55: What can only be described as joyous yelps are emanating from the twins' room. But I'm in the middle of making a pumpkin cheesecake, so they'll have to stay there. I figure I've got at least 20 minutes before screams erupt.

2:15: The joy turns to screams, but the cheesecake is safely in the oven, so I release Thing 1 and Thing 2.

2:30: After settling the twins with snacks, my Ipad, and Yo Gabba Gabba, I make a cup of chai tea to try to recharge, and get to work turning Mason's handprint turkeys into napkin rings.

3:05: Matt's home!!! Hallelujah, reinforcements have arrived!! Prepare to set out to procure wine, and temporary hem tape to temporarily hem the too-long pants I'm planning to wear tomorrow. Followed by a trip to my mom's to drop off the napkin rings and pick up the 20 pound thawed (oh please, please God, let it have thawed) turkey.

4:00: Back home with Scotch reusable adhesive strips that I think will fit my temporary hemming needs, a bottle of wine, and a STUPID, PIECE OF SHIT, STILL MOSTLY FROZEN turkey. Prepare a cooler out back to start thawing that S.O.B. in water- which will have to be changed EVERY 30 MINUTES!!! for the next 3-4 hours.

4:30: Start cleaning up the house and folding laundry while Matt and the boys watch a kung-fu movie. Matt does offer to vacuum since my back is hurting- when I'm half done and have already spent the last half hour on my hands and knees scrubbing the bathroom floor and bathtub. Thanks, honey!

5:20: Pour lovely glass of wine and order pizza. Screw cooking dinner.

6:00: Send Matt out to get pizza and to make the second trip of the day to Publix to pick up stuff I didn't realize we were out of on my first trip.

6:30: Feed, bathe, dress twins. Read, brush teeth, bed. Two down, 1 to go......

7:00: Mix cool whip with pumpkin pie spice and maple syrup. Planning to pipe it on top of the cheesecake that has a crack the size of the freakin' Grand Canyon. But the cake's not cool enough, so there's nothing to do but sit and wait....

7:45: Stupid turkey is finally thawed. Still sitting and waiting for the cheesecake to cool. Restless without something to do.

8:00: Watch The Middle. Seriously love that show, and according to several people, Frankie Heck is my mom alter-ego. Yeah, I can see it.

8:30: Cheesecake is finally cooled, but my piping idea doesn't work so well.. Eh, whatever. Spread the maple spice cool whip on top and sprinkle it with chopped pecans. It's not perfect, but it beats crater cake.

8:50: Send Mason to bed. Fuss at Mason to stop stalling. Tell Mason to stop crying- I'm not being mean, I'm just tired of the bedtime stalling every single night!

9:00: Watch Modern Family while drinking more wine. Oh, Modern Family, how I love thee.

9:30: Time to get the turkey ready. Dig the neck and bag o' giblets out (shudder). Season that bad boy, stuff him with onions and celery, tie him in a roasting bag and stick him in the fridge. See you tomorrow bright and early, buddy!

9:45: Clean every inch of the kitchen that may have come anywhere near turkey juice with antibacterial cleaner- can't be too careful!!

10:00: Done for the day. Sit on the couch for a while longer before heading to bed.

11:00: Set the alarm for 6 am, say a prayer to the turkey gods that mine turns out well, and turn out the light.

Happy Thanksgiving to all, and to all a good night!!!