May 21

Big Will!!

Hays' hernia surgery went well. It turns out that he had a hernia on both sides, so they were able to fix both at the same time. He was also circumcised, so he's not exactly a happy camper tonight. He did really well last night because he was pretty doped up on pain medication, but now he's down to just tylenol and he's having kind of a rough night.

We met with all of Will's doctors today and we really left with more questions than answers. The ENT, who we have not worked with before, told us that Will's entire trachea is weak and floppy rather than just the small area where the vascular ring was. This is completely different from everything we've been told all along, so I'm not sure if she's wrong or we are, but I have to get some more clarification. The pulmonologist told us that she thinks he's going to require ventilator support for a while, maybe a year or more. It's pretty discouraging. We don't want Will to have to lay around hooked up to a machine. And we're scared to death about how much care he'll require. We're going to have to have a small hospital in our house and I'm going to have to know how to do everything that he needs. it is a daunting challenge. I know we'll figure it out and rise to the occasion, because really, what choice do we have? But it's one of those days where I just want to ask God, "Is this a test? What can possibly be the lesson behind all of this? Why does my child, our family have to go through this?"

But even in the midst of the fear, the exhaustion, the screaming baby, I know we are immeasureably blessed. When I went in to see Will this morning, he was asleep, but when he heard my voice, he smiled- that is a blessing. Holding Hays when he is sleeping peacefully, knowing that he is absolutely secure in his mother's love, that is as close to God as you can feel. Mason's spontaneous hugs and having him tell me, "I love you, you are the bestest mommy in the world," well, you don't get much luckier than that. Pray for me that I remember how blessed I am in the dark hours. Pray that I can sustain my faith that there is reason for all of this, that God's not just messing with me.